School

New School

It's about 10 months I've been in new school or you can called it High School Senior. But now I feel really really tired to school there. I mean I feel that I don't really have a friends there. They just like a shadow friends for me. They never really care to me. They never really understand me. Sometimes I feel that they just use me. I don't know why but I sometimes always feel like this. Now this feeling is getting really bad in my heart and head. I know I've ever hangout together with them but I don't really feel that was for have fun. I can't be myself when I'm with them. I can't understand myseft when I'm with them. Even I don't know who am I when I with them. Do you know how bad is it? It really bad and more getting bad not even a little better.

Everyday I try to lie to myself that I like that school. But in real I don't like that school even I hate that school. I wanna cry because maybe cry could makes my feeling better but I can't. I don't know why but I just can't do that. It's just worse everyday. I'm scream, crying and angry inside but no one care about that or even hear that. I can't tell anybody about this cause I know they would blame me and said that I'm wrong about everything. Are you like it If you share your feeling to someone and hope that your feeling will be better then he/she just blame and said you wrong to judge anything? Of course you don't like or even hate it, right?

Even my parents. They just like always blame me of everything I do. It seen like always wrong for them. I try to make them proud but what they response? It hurt me soo much. I've ever thing that I wanna suicide but I know my god Allah would hate it so I try to survive. But I feel more empty everytime. I let someone I loved go without can said nothing about my feeling to him. I just wanna feel soo loved everytime. There is a lot peoples said that you have to loved everyone to being love from everyone too. But I try to loved as much as I can but why there is a lot of them don't even care to me? What I've been did to you guys? :'(

I really wanna to move from my school now. But I still don't know are this is a right decision or not. Allah please give me answer about this. I really need it now. Cause my heart feel like stone now. I can't feel anything except anger, sorrow, disappointed and confusion. I feel my life is not calm now. Can anyone help me? Please don't let me fall in deep circle! I really need your help guys. I sure that I wanna end this fast but I don't know how. I still work to do it. I really wanna free of this things. I wanna feel happy to do my school like another students out there. Why I can't feel it that way? What is my mistakes 'till everything being like this? I hate it soo much. I'm too tortured of this. There is soo many question in my head. That I really wanna get the answer of that all questions. But who can answer that? The answer is nobody. It getting more hurt.

Okey guys, I wanna share some pictures. I know maybe that weird but just see it and read the description :

First picture

Okey, it's kind of weird that I put this pictures in left. But you know that on that picture in written : PLAY, LEARN and GROW TOGETHER. That words is describe about what I want. I mean I wanna in school I can PLAY a long with all my friends and have fun together and I don't have to be someone else, I just have to be myself. But I still can't find that way. The second word is LEARN. Do you know what is that mean for me? Yeah, that word mean that I wan to LEARN at school then I'll be a smart and can have a good future. That simple what I want. But in my school now, I can't learn or even just read a book with a calm feeling. Cause there is too much annoyance around me. They not like makes me not concetration or what but I don't know why with them I feel like I'm not save and I'm uncomfortable. I can't explain this thing cause I don't know why too. The third word is GROW TOGETHER. This is maybe the most important to me. Cause I wanna in school that I have friends to GROW TOGETHER and try to search as much as we could have experience of this life. That was I want the most. Without that I feel like glass without water. It feel soo dry.

Second picture

I know that second picture is more weird than the first picture. But you what? This picture is has a complete means for me. Cause you can see that is 18th icon on that picture. All of that 18th icon is really have mean for me.You could see the first icon until the eighteenth icon. I think that you would know why I said all that icons is important and have mean for me. Three words below that picture is Watch, Love and Share. I really want feel that three words in my school life. But until now I don't really could feel that. I don't know why but I think I'm not yet found where I belong all this time, or maybe I wrong about this. But I just could pray to my god, Allah that I could find my happiness in my own school. I just always tried to pray and think about this. I just wanna always positif thinking because I really believe that positif thinking could become a positif think too in my own life. I wish all I want happen at my school is really happen as the time is goes. I believe it will really happen someday cause I know I still have Allah. I believe too that Allah will always there for me and never leave me alone on this.

Third Picture

This is the third picture and you could said too that this is the last picture. I know it maybe weird too but it have a simple mean for me. First in this picture you could said that just students, teacher and school bus. But If you wanna know what it mean to me is that in this picture, I wish I could be like that. I mean I know here is no school bus but I just wanna that smile will be mine. I wish I could school everyday with smile on my face, with the smile from all my friends and teachers too. It's must be really beautiful school life for me. I just wanna that my teachers waiting us with the smile on their face before we start to learn about everything at school. Ain't that simple guys? But that simple thing is hard to makes it come true. But in my mind I think I could make it happen. It's just need a little miracle of positif thinking and praying to god, Allah and of course I have to work-hard for make it happen. Cause there is nothing impossible in this life or you could said in this world. Cause believe or not you always have someone who watching you from out there. That someone is you god, Allah. Allah will always believe your dreams and believe me, Allah will always make it happen when you just could imagine how Allah will make your dreams come true. I just wanna said that NEVER GIVE UP FOR EVERYONE AROUND THE WORLD..!! :)

Okey, I wanna continue my story at school now. About a week ago I choose to break from school. Cause I don't know why I feel like really boring at school that time. I have a break from school about one week and I just wanna stay in my sweet home. When I do that I feel happy. There is no loads in my mind about school anymore. I even don't think about my scores at school. The point is I don't think about school at all. Exactly it's kind of fun but I makes a situation getting bad.Because I makes my family wondering why I don't wanna go to school. But I didn't said nothing. Cause the truth is I don't know the real reason of this. That's why I couldn't said anything when everyone ask me why. But in myself I have one or two reason but I think this is not the point of this problem too. First, maybe I still going school a couple months ago because in that school I meet my first love maybe that makes me survive in that school all this time cause you know from the first time I feel like I don't really like that school. But since I meet him maybe with the possibility that I could meet him everyday I still survive in that school, like I said before. Second, maybe I makes this decision because I was feel not happy in my class. Cause I don't know why but I feel like lonely there even I could laugh together with them but I feel like nothing happiness inside. Well, maybe that my reason, but still it's doesn't mean that I do this because of that. I know you maybe confused read this. But you know what, I'm confused too about this. So I hope you understand about that. The important thing of all of this is or you could said the point is I wanna have a REAL FRIENDS at school and could get my FIRST LOVE.

Well, guys I think it the last story from me. Just wait my new story of my school life. Okey, after about three days I'm not going school my teachers come to my home. They ask me why I'm not going school in long time. They ask me like "Are you ill?" or like "Whether one of the teachers scold you?". But you know what, I said yes on the second question. I know it's not really my reason but that it one of all the reason. I know it's not the point but I couldn't tell them the real reason , so I just tell the supporting reasons. Then two days next I still not going school cause I don't really ready yet. But then my friends come to my home. They ask me about the same question with my teachers. But I said the different answer. I said I'm not going school because I don't like the situation of my class. Well, this is was one of all my real reason. I'm soo happy too that there are friends who care to me. I just wanna they all be my real friends until forever. Cause exactly I never thought that they would care like this to me. As the last words of this post, I just wanna said "I'M ALWAYS PRAYING AND THINK THAT MY SCHOOL LIFE WILL BE MAKES ME HAPPY EVERYTIME". :)



#NB : I'm sorry If my english was bad cause I still learn about it :)


Pictures Source : 
http://jeanvanierschool.eics.ab.ca/images/daddy%20day%20home%20pic.jpg
http://www.edugeek.net/attachments/forums/graphics-requests/9211d1295875348-school-subject-icons-school_subjects_icons.png
http://oboerista.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/school-house.jpg
http://www.firstcovers.com/covers/1107/lauren+conrad+quote.html
http://blandinabila.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/firstlove1.jpg
 

*Just information I search all pictures from google.com :)